It’s been an interesting week. In a span of two days I had two people tell me that I’m such a positive person. It wasn’t even a particularly deep conversation, one of them was just asking me to check something out, the other I was merely wishing a happy birthday, and yet it was enough for them to tell me that I am a positive person.
This was interesting because it was such a vast contrast to what I’ve been dealing with mentally the past week. I’ve been struggling with figuring out if this uneasiness inside me is depression or anxiety or both, how do I cope without a therapist, tending to old wounds that keep coming up and demanding attention and just trying to sleep well while worrying about my health.
It may not be much to others, I suppose, but it does get overwhelming for me so overall I feel crummy, especially when I’m on my own.
It’s definitely something I do my best not to portray to people, because it’s my own personal battle and displaying any form of it doesn’t make sense. But for some reason, I wondered if the mask I use was a little too effective and I did find myself contemplating if I really am as positive as people see me.
It didn’t take long to find my answer. Yes, I am a positive person. Or more importantly, I became a positive person.
The reason why I initially found my positivity weird was because years ago, I was as pessimistic as I can be especially towards myself. I loathed my very existence to the point that people would roll their eyes when I insisted I wasn’t as good or as pretty as they say I am. And I remember purposely saying those things because I didn’t want to be complimented. I didn’t want to accept it because I didn’t believe it and neither should they.
So today, I’m a little comforted by that positivity I’m exuding, even though I’m still struggling with mental illness and how it’s crippling my thought process at times, it’s a relief to know that despite it all I can still smile. I can still laugh. I can still do the things I am passionate for (which is making lunch at the moment) and find joy in it.
Most importantly, I can still shine a bit of light to someone’s day.
What’s important to know is that yes, you can be a positive person even if you suffer from depression. It took years of effort on my part, but I finally reached a point in my life where I believe I can still be a positive person even if my mind feels otherwise.
Because depression is a part of me. But it doesn’t define me.