My anxiety has been on the rise again, and it’s getting harder to talk about it. So this is my attempt to work through it and I will attempt to write more on this in time.
I have a confession to make. The words that have been haunting me for a long time now is “We’re not friends”.
My once best friend said it to me. And even though I knew our friendship had been going sour for a long time now, it’s one of the most painful words to receive when a part of me still wanted to believe in our friendship.
It also hurts because she said that cause she was done with me and my depression. She was done looking out for me and trying to help me deal with my problems, when she has her own to deal with too.
I think if our friendship had broken up in any other way, it would have been a lot easier to take in. But instead what she really couldn’t stand was how I was emotionally dependent on her due to my depression. I was using her, expecting too much from her, and was not making her happy in any way.
It’s her truth. I will accept it. But her actions fed into my oldest fear, that I was useless and didn’t belong.
My anxiety had gotten worse since then and I’ve cut off communication with a lot more people ever since. I’m terrified. I’m scared of depending on people. I’m worried that if I depend on them too much they would end up like her and they would leave me.
I am trying so hard to fight that, but anxiety has this thing where even though you know it’s safe to talk to this person and they proved to be really helpful and kind, there’s still this fear that they would abandon me once they get to know me more.
Yet being alone a lot also has a negative effect on me. I slowly lose my sense of identity and question my worth even more. I still don’t know how to balance my need to be on my own and my need to communicate and be with people. I’m mostly alone because I’ve had enough traumatic moments to make me wary of being with people, and even though I truly enjoy talking and being able to depend on friends, my anxiety makes me fear that I probably said something wrong and they won’t like me later so I usually don’t keep in touch.
Sometimes I win in this battle, and find myself really free and able to talk to someone without inhibitions, without worrying if I screw up. But on most days I still wake up with the words that remind me that I must remain alone.
“We’re not friends.”